I've always liked fairytales. You know, those happy endings, prince charmings and what nots. But I also know that it's not something so possible in the real world. I'd take what I can get in this life, as they say.

I had a one tree hill marathon last weekend and this weekend. It never fails me to make me happy, sad, smile, swoon all at the same time. Nathan and Haley have always been my favorite couple. Whenever I watch them, it makes me feel hopeful that there is still someone good out there, a guy who is willing to do anything for the girl he loves. It's actually weird huh since they're a bunch of fictional characters. I don't know why but I just feel like that.

I just want that glimmer of hope, I guess. And too bad, I get it from this fictional show. You know, I wanna believe in true love. Love that will stand time and weather everything that comes. They say you just have to wait for that someone to come into your life. But what if he never comes? What if you're meant to be alone forever? What if he already came into your life but you're too stubborn and you let him go?

So many what ifs. So many doubts. So many scary things in life.

I probably never told so many people about this but I carry this feeling that I am not good enough. I've always felt insecure about myself because maybe I don't look like those thin girls. It has always been a battle with myself because I'm not thin. Guess it has something to do with this country. They dictate the norm and the norm is you've to be thin to look beautiful. Makes me feel all shit and my self-confidence get all sucked up.

You know, one of the things that I really want is be with someone who will appreciate me and who'd see me beyond the superficial stuff. I wanna fall in love with a man who is worth it. Someone who I can see a future with and not be scared of forever. Someone close to Nathan Scott in One Tree Hill. I mean not physically but you know, the lil things he and Haley do for each other. Those are the things that are important.

And I hope someday, I find that man. I still hope for that day to come. I'd still like to believe that I will meet him someday. When that time comes, I'd be happy because it would like I'm finally home.

I don't exactly know how to put it but I feel terrible right now. No, not terrible. That's not the right word. More like sad or something close to that. I've been thinking about so many things lately. Important and not so important ones. And I feel like I've a lot of burden right now. Everything's fcked up. I mean, I've so many things to worry bout and they keep piling on me.

On most days, I'd be okay with this. I could handle so much. But lately, it felt like I am almost about to break down. And I guess it's because of some issues I have. Mostly with myself and my expectations of other people that keeps me from being able to handle all the stuff that i need to focus on.

It's not a secret that I've always valued my friends so much. At least the ones worth keeping. I've a certain requirement before I really consider someone friend worthy. Anyway, the point is there's this friend. I haven't spoken to her in god knows how long. She used to be (or is) one of my confidantes. I don't know what happened but I barely get to talk to her anymore. At those sad points in my life, I can't seem to contact her and tell her things that mattered to me. I tried contacting her lotsa times and she just doesn't seem to respond. Prolly busy. Or I dunno. And I feel like I've done my part and reached out enough. I've been in situations like this before and I've never felt this way. I've been friends with people and haven't spoken to them for so long but it didn't feel like this. It was different with the others. And so, there probably goes a great friendship down to wherever.

Aside from her, my long time bestfriend, the one I had/have since grade school years, seem to nowhere to be found either. Well, I do see her online but she doesn't respond when I message her and those shit. So I don't exactly know how to interpret that. And mind you, it wasn't just a one time thing.

Plus remember that boy bestfriend I had, I had some shitty issue about it again during the holidays. I won't go into details but he basically said that we aren't besfriends anymore cos I stopped believin in us. Like wtf seriously. Now, it's fuckin my fault. Great. Fckin great. He's just awesome, isn't he? Not!

Boy, I have so many friendship issues, eh? Most of the time, with so much shit in my life, I find comfort writing here. Just pouring out everything and keeping me sane through everything. My art class prof told us that some dude said that those people who write stories are unhappy cos they have to create another world where they can be happy. At first, I was like wtf but I totally understand now cos I do that. At times, it's better to stay in my dreams where everything is perfect and happy. Life is sad.

I've got more things on my mind but this will have to do for the mean time. Ciao loves.

So I've sorta failed myself time and again. Haha. I said I'll write more but I've been out for almost 2 weeks. Screw school and org stuff, I've been so stressed. Well not just that, it's probably because I am afraid to write again.

School just started two weeks ago and my energy's so low already. Dealt with so many shit the past weeks. I dunno how I'm holding up with all the things that are going. It's quite a lot to digest in but I'm trying my best to keep up with all the craziness that's going.

When the term started, I had a goal in my mind to get a high gpa this term. I only have 5 subjects. So I thought to myself, it's a doable goal. But 3 weeks into school and I'm on the verge of throwing away that goal. Why? Simply because I dunno how I am going to do it with all the org work and other things in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love being in our org. I owe our org a lot. It's because of the org that I've met so many great people as well as students who are taking up finance. It's just that some days, it gets to me. All the stress and pressure.

I'm so uncertain about what I want to do. Feels like I wanna do so many things but I've to pick just some of those. And I am really having a hard time.

The other day, we already had to pass our application forms for officership next academic year. Originally, I wanted to run for executive vp position but I decided against it. Partly because I was afraid of having to present a platform but more so, I just don't think I'm suited for the position. Sure, people I've asked told me that I sure can handle the job but I don't know, I seem to believe otherwise.

I'm so disoriented. Sorry for that. I'm really just exhausted and I wanted to write here. This is sort f my escape from everything. There are thing s I say here that I have never mentioned to anyone. Funny, isn't it? Anyhow, I'll try to catch up on sleeping. I'll be back next time.

Hey. It's a brand new year. Well, a couple of days ago. I've been meaning to write here in this blog since they year started but as usual, I didn't have the words to write in here. It's still odd about how much I am at loss for words each time I wanna pour my thoughts in this blog. But anyway, I've come to terms and decided to just write here, regardless if I will be able to put into words what I really want to write. We'll just wait and see where it goes but officially, I will keep track of simple musings and other things in here.

I was watching this korean drama when I got back here in Manila. It was a kdrama (Boys before flowers) showed in local tv months ago but I didn't bother following since it showed early in the evening and I had way too many things to handle. So I gave in to watching it after seeing a few episodes on local tv for its rerun. The silly thing is I find myself actually thinking a lil bit too deep about the plot when I already know most part of it because it is a remake. Anyhow, so silly me was thinking since I finished watching it. I wonder to myself if such a love that great exists that you know you cannot love any other person that the someone. It puts up this concept that true love comes only once and you don't get second chances.

It conflicts me although this is just a fictional story and I'm pretty sure that a lot of people got second chances. I am just really curious if this kind of love really exists. It's great but at the same time it's full of sacrifices, sufferings and consequences.

I won't lie and deny that I cried a couple of times in some episodes. I was moved by how great the love between the lead characters were that it brought me to tears. It's just that, I find it unrealistic nowadays. It's not likely that you'll find a guy who is that committed to the girl.

A friend posted in fb one time that she got an advice that it's better if the guy loves the girl more in a relationship than the other way around. And somehow I find myself agreeing to it. Not because I am girl. Well, maybe a bit. But I think in this way, when the guy is more involved/committed to the relationship, there's more security to the relationship. Most of the time, guys tend to get a lil used to more in relationships and feel less affectionate towards the latter part of the relationship, say when you're into 2-3 year already and it gets boring and predictable. Of course, that is just my opinion. The ideal situation, still, is for it to be balance between the girl and the guy.

Boy, I've been out for a while. Well, I've been writing but just here in my laptop. Haven't been posting cos those were just random blahs from my day to day activites. Nothing intersting really. :P

Anyway, mom was here a few weeks ago. And I was telling her that I wanted to try kickboxing. And I'm telling you, she was happy to hear that. They (mom and dad) have been telling me countless times to exercise. But I guess you know, I was too lazy. So there. I texted my friend. She told me that she plans to try boxing at Elorde in Taft. I was wondering if they have kickboxing too. I found out they have muay thai (sort of kickboxing). I reserached and found this website where you can sk questions regarding boxing at Elorder. A girl told me that it's better if I do boxing first then later on, muay thai. I tried searching information about boxing and those shit that I have to know. Talked to my parents and they allowed me.

Dad bought me hand wraps since that's what I just need. Gloves are expensive and they didn't want me to buy until I've been going for a while. Started last Wednesday. People said that the trainers are very nice and professional. But I still didn't know what to expect. When I got there, they gave me a trainer. Then i proceeded with the routine. Jogged around the place, stretching then boxing. Yay. It's fun fun fun. Well, not exactly because it's tiring but you get what I mean. After boxing, abs workout then stretching again and massage. It feels good.

So far, I'm loving it. To think I've been waking up early to go to the gym. Originally, was just going to go 2 times a week but my trainer said that if I can, I should try going 3 times a week. So yeah, Ima try to go 3 times. Lol. Told my mom and she said fine.

It does feel good after working out. I have a postiive outlook. And it's much easier to cut down on what I eat and be more mindful about the kinds of food I eat. :)

It's been almost two weeks of not posting here. Haha. I've been hella busy and hella lazy to even type on my laptop and say something here. Typical me. :) I'm always popping in and out here. :))

So my birthday wasn't that great and there are no stories about it but whatever. Still more days to come, anyways. What I am particularly so giddy about the past two weeks were the projects I headed for the past two Fridays.

July 3, I headed a FINSPEC (Special Seminars for Finance) talk about portfolio management. It was awesome. Learned news stuff and it was quite a success. Although the topic discussed was not the theme we arranged, it was still all good cos the speaker still talked about portfolio management. The speaker is so good. He graduated from DLSu too so it was really nice to have a fellow Lasallian as our speaker that day. Students were listening and the discussion was really helpful. I felt relieved after it cos everythign went pretty well. At least I was able to handle the project successfully. And the plus is my VP texted me over the weekend to tell me that the talk I headed was good. Told me that I did a good job. You know the drill. It made my day or even my week. See, I am always the type of person who is goal oriented and wants to produce the best results in whatever thing I do especially if I represent an organization. So hearing such remark, it was so reassuring that I was doing things right.

Yesterday, we had another FINSPEC talk. This one was a co-project between me and the other junor officer. There were slight problems. My speaker (I was the one who got a speaker) was uber late because of the damn traffic in EDSA. Nothing new about the shit traffic. So he was late and the students were waiting but overall, the talk was good too. He was a good speaker. So comfortable and really reached the audience. My VP asked me earlier how many terms I ahve left and if I want to be an officer again next year. I told me that yeah, I want to if i get accepted. So he told me to aim for the position I can handle and most importantly want.

When I started on this job, being a junior officer for academics, I already set my eye on aiming for the VP position next year. If not, my second choice would be AVP for academics. But latelmy, I've been considering other positions, I might choose EVP-Internals for my first choice and VP - Academics for my second choice. Hmm, it's a bit too early to say so these may still change. But so far that's the plan.

Enough of the heavy stuff. Hahaha. UAAP starts today. Well, I'm excited. Not watching live today though. No tickets. Actually, there were tickets but none from my friend. She didn't have extra and if I buy from the school, we won't be together so useless. I don't wanna look stupid watching a basketball game live alone. Hah. Maybe next week I'll watch. Depends again on the ticket. Ahahaha. Or maybe i won't be watching the whole season. Bah, whatever. I can watch at home.

Oh yeah, I'm still contemplating if I want a new ipod or a new phone. I think I want an Ipod touch but I think I also want a Nokia E71. Bah, I'll figure it all out soon. Ciao!

I was almost about to curse and say that this is the worst birthday ever. That's because I am freakin sick and can't go to school on my birthday. I told myself yesterday how untimely it is. I get sick days before my birthday and the same week I am going to head a project for MaFIA. How great. How inconvenient. And so my sister had to hear my rants everyday about how annoying it is that this happened this week. Psssh.

I haven't given much thought about how many things I regret when it comes to my college life. And it hit me yesterday. While passing by North Gate and saw the list of graduates and all those awards, I can't deny that I felt sad for myself.

I can pretty much say that I was not a studious student back when I was taking European Studies. I was the type of student that gives little effort and basically pass with mediocre grades. There are two certain terms that was really the down point of my grades, two terms that pulled down my CGPA. Now, I wish I studied well before. Cos the courses weren't exactly difficult. I feel worse because I know that I didn't get good grades not because I couldn't but because I was just lazy. I told my friend that it would be easier to accept and let go of stuff like this if I knew that I gave my best effort and still got a low grade. Now if you will ask me if I want to do it all over again, hell yes. If only I could actually turn back time and study in those times that I should've studied instead of sleeping or doing some others things. But that's way too late.

I'm never gonna graduate with honors. And it's funny that I didn't care about if before. Haha. And now I feel so sad whenever I think about it. Told you, it's harder to swallow and accept when I know it could've been different.

6-7 more terms left for me. I'm now taking up Finance which I really love. Much much different from European Studies. And I am not sure if I can get high grades not because I don't study this time but because it's different. No complaints, though. I can actually study this my whole college life and you'd just see me liking it more. Hay, reminds me of a frustration. It's really my frustration, probably my biggest or second biggest, not being able to take up Applid Eco - Finance. It was just way too late when I figured out that I wanted it.

I guess I just have to make the most out of what's here. They say when a door closes, a window opens. So maybe God didn't want or He has a reason why I can't get an academic award. I'll just make use of my remaining terms in DLSU to become well-rounded and prepare myself for the life outside the four walls of our university. After all, they say it's not about the awards or your grades you get in school that matter but how much you've learned in different aspects (not only lessons in class) that will help you find a good job. :) And I know, I will be fine. I will make sure of that.

Never be afraid to dream big and reach them :)